As I am awake and again it’s the middle of the night, what could be keeping me awake is tonight’s first question – well that answer some might find confronting and when they see me next they might not know what to say or feel uncomfortable or not know what to post in reply – let me say now, that is all ok – an answer is way down the bottom of the post if you want it 😉 

So why post it? 

Well that comes from a chat I had only yesterday (well as it’s past midnight, the day before!!) with another mate who is also having his own cancer journey, much younger than me, but with the same feelings and anxiety. We both agreed that people will not fully understand how we feel, but our best role is to educate and talk, as being silent helps no one, other than probably leaving people confused at our mood.

So back to the original question – what’s keeping me awake at night. 

The answer is simple – have I won the battle, am I inching forward to a victory long term or does the enemy known as cancer still have a hold somewhere in my body. The wait for the next scan/results to see if the surgery, chemo and radiation have beaten this mongrel back is over a month away.  

The term to use is “scanxiety” as you want to take the positive that the scan will be clear but until you get a result, you just are waiting and anxious. It is the worst wait I have ever experienced, with unanswerable questions like what does life hold for me – how long does life have for me – is it a battle or a peace treaty for now………. I managed to turn the thoughts off for a couple of hours with a good movie and a glass or two of red, but now I am still awake and having the thoughts I had before!! 

So here is my tapping away hoping that getting the thoughts down helps – which to be honest I think it does, however I also know that I did not answer the earlier question (OMG a ramble has occurred from a drinking Graham – who would believe that!!) 

The second question – what should you say to me?

Or most likely anyone in my position – The answer is easy – whatever you like – just be mindful, I could do with a happy take on the world right now, I am probably not the best to come to solve any problems that you have unless they are earth shattering, not that I don’t care. Just that in my perspective they probably fall into either “possible life dependant” or “really, that’s your biggest issue you have to deal with”, just saying, might need to seek another person for the latter! 

If you have made it here, congrats, you got to the bottom of a Graham ramble – well done – now if it’s late – go to bed – if it’s early – spend time hugging your loved ones – if it’s in between, look for the positive in the world – there is shit loads of it out there – you just need to look. Now time for me to admire my beaut kids asleep and snuggle up to a caring and loving wife 🙂 Night all, thanks for listening (well reading).