Milestone
Well, I have missed blogging about a recent moment in time. On the surface and with a pre-cancer Graham mindset the following would be personally embarrassing and not something to bring to peoples attention never mind call a milestone! In fact I would have hid it, buried it deep down and people would wonder why I was a bit tired or snappy.
But it is Spring, the flowers are blossoming, the bees are in the air. Spring cleaning my laptop made me realise, I probably do have a milestone to share be it a strange one.
Ohh tell us more..
I hear your minds ticking along going “Hmm what could be so terrible, what dark secret do you have. What sort of stuff do you keep on your laptop?”
Is it as revolutionary as Darth Vader revealing he is Luke Skywalker’s Father? (sorry for anyone who has not watched the original Star Wars, I just gave away a crucial plot!!).
Well yes and no. Before meeting Yoda (my psychologist – yes I have one of them in my medical team), I would have struggled with mentioning this subject as it defined a large part of me.
Quick info for some – a Psychologist talks to you and guides you in your thoughts. A Psychiatrist does the same but they are also a Medical Doctor and can prescribe medications to assist you as well – there are more differences – click on this if you are interested. Yoda is the non prescribing kind.
History lesson (yawn)
I should probably put in some context. A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, I started work full time just after my 17th Birthday. From that point forward, I was always employed or had funds to be self sufficient till the next role (or found a role to provide fundage).
I had pride in always being able to work and would do any job. As life turned out, I have worked about half in private sector and half in Defence/Federal Government.
Work has defined a big chunk of who I am and was a large part of my social interactions, along with goals and ambitions in life. It probably got stronger when the Mad Scientist and I decided to do some “weird science” and had the cheeky monkeys and I turned into being the significant funds provider for awhile. The planets aligned so well that I was also in my dream job (at that time)… (the scene fades to black).
Ohh great, we are getting a reflective Graham today, wow this is starting to make me yawn….Why does he slip in 80s/90s movie titles as well as the Star Wars – it gets confusing!!… OHH I can still hear you….really, I can.
Back to the point
Anyway, I realised that a few weeks ago, I had achieved the milestone of not working for two years.
I stopped working soon after my prostate biopsy and then, ohh you know what happened then as it all starts back at my first dated blog.
So why am I seeing this as a milestone (not positive or negative just a milestone)? In the past I would have been embarrassed, self critical and all those other nice negative emotions that can flow if I did not work for two years.
Simple Answer
The answer is simple. Ohh I am soo funny. The answer is not simple.
It is time to realise that life is complex, full of changing variables. For some of us, it might appear that a higher being, a puppet master, is using us for their twisted, perverse amusement. Giving a cancer here, a cancer there, a dash of pneumonitis, ohh a side of side effects and for good measure a twist of ….. another problem *cough* ...to be discussed later. I am still recovering from it so still a bit “raw”.
But this is where I have to say, that finding Yoda on a distant planet in a remote solar system was life changing.
Wow, that is such a crappy term used probably a bit too much sometimes. I have to be honest though, my life has changed because I sought help. Yoda’s guidance has been instrumental in my mental well being today. It has enabled me the ability to take what would be a depressive thought, and put it into a positive milestone. So life changing is probably the correct term.
Yoda has made me realise that work was part of me for a significant part of my life, but is not the only part of me. I am ever evolving (well I do have mutations in my RNA, that is after all what causes the ALK+ Lung Cancer). Who knows? I could be the next Wolverine!! – oops mixing up my movie series, let me take it back to Star Wars.
My life has moved on. Work is no longer practical now and in the foreseeable future. So for the last few days, I have been setting aside some time to clear out my laptop of my old work things. I now have a pile of backup DVD’s next to me and a hard drive emptied of old work directories and files.
So What Now?
This is all ok. I am very calm about all of this.
I still believe part of me is to be a provider. Financially, thanks to some fortunate insurance planning, that is covered. But it is not only money. I now try to focus more as a Dad, Husband, Friend, Dog Trainer (ok that furry little Ewok still needs some training) and anything else I think of and enjoy or can see a positive result.
During the day when the cheeky monkeys are at the learning zoo and the Mad Scientist is at the secret Lab, I focus on my well being. I am trying to find the optimal balance between exercise/fatigue, happiness/realism, planning/living in the moment and all the other balancing stuff (I only have one set of scales so it can be difficult some days).
Who knows, perhaps even blogging is part of my evolution.
What about Yoda?
I have not seen Yoda for a month or so. No plans are set to travel to the distant planet. The directions are committed to memory and I can always go back, if my thoughts go to the dark side. (Yoda is strong in the Force and will find out if I am wavering to the dark side, I am sure).
The Take Away (if you want one)
The take away from this ramble is we all have hard times. If you can, try to turn it into a positive or see the positives that are there, no matter how small. Stop and smell the roses so to speak. If you are finding those positives hard to see, ask for help and accept help when it is offered. The strength is accepting the hand that is offered. Do not fall down the dark hole of negativity. Remember there is no light without the dark (my last Star Wars reference today I promise)
As a side thought, I should have written this on RU OK day! I am a bit slower these days though, so my timing is probably about right ;-).